Reflection #129 (20th September 2026 at Essex Church / Kensington Unitarians)
Today’s service was originally inspired by this book – ‘Unreasonable Hospitality’ by Will Guidara – which was recommended by my colleague, Rev. Stephanie Bisby. At first glance, it might seem a surprising choice of text to use as a jumping-off point for a service, as it tells the story of how a struggling New York brasserie, Eleven Madison Park, came to be awarded the title of ‘the best restaurant in the world’.
This was a significant transformation; it took them a decade to turn things around. Apparently the food was already excellent before they started out on this journey; so what changed? They focused on providing hospitality that was so memorable, in some instances so preposterously over-the-top, that they came to describe it as ‘unreasonable hospitality’. They took exquisite care of the people who came through their doors. Don’t be mistaken – that doesn’t mean endlessly, intrusively, fussing over their guests – but it means being present, paying close attention to them, anticipating their particular needs, and every now and then going the extra mile, showing extraordinary generosity, in order to create a mind-blowing experience.
In our readings this morning we’ve heard about the centrality of hospitality in traditional cultures – how it was historically regarded as a spiritual obligation of sorts – to welcome strangers and offer them the basic needs of life. How to do this graciously – not grudgingly – but with generosity of spirit. And this is a very practical way of acknowledging the ‘inherent worth and dignity’ of every person that we so often speak about as the foundational principle of our Unitarian faith. We’ve already sung together today: ‘for everyone born, a place at the table’, and ‘break not the circle of enabling love… make it wider still, till it includes, embraces all the living’.
When we talk about ‘hospitality as a spiritual practice’ it’s something we can aspire to in various dimensions of our lives. First, we might think about it on a personal level: welcoming people into our homes, offering them food and drink, maybe even a place to stay over if we’re lucky enough to have that much space to call our own. On one level it’s about sharing our good fortune – our resources – with others. And if everybody participates in this culture of hospitality, it’s ultimately a culture of equals – what goes around comes around – we all switch between giving and receiving.
Personal hospitality is not just about the material aspects of care, though – not just about offering the tasty meal or the well-made bed – important as they may be. It’s about creating the space, the conditions, for a meaningful relationship to emerge. Like we heard in the poem by Naomi Shihab Nye: ‘feed him for three days / before asking who he is, / where he’s come from, / where he’s headed. / That way, he’ll have strength / enough to answer. / Or, by then you’ll be / such good friends / you don’t care.’ It’s about giving time and attention – really listening – being curious about the other and sharing of yourself. As we heard in the piece that Sonya read: ‘Hospitality is not only about opening your door; it is about opening your heart and your soul.’
A crucial aspect of hospitality is paying attention to how we make others feel. And that means that the recipe for brilliant hospitality can’t be ‘one-size-fits-all’. Every individual has their own unique needs, preferences, aversions. So to be truly hospitable we must take that into account – be present and attentive to the honoured guest who is in front of us – and then tailor our welcome accordingly. As an aside: I am a bit of a nightmare as a guest! So, I don’t often go and visit anyone. I’ve got a quirky bundle of dietary restrictions and I feel bad about the likelihood that I wouldn’t want to eat whatever someone might want to cook for me. So rather than burden the host with my fussiness I opt out of being a guest. Or people who know me well will say ‘it’s alright, you can bring your own sandwich’! This business of being a good host and a good guest can be a tricky dance.
While reading up on this I came across the notion of ‘scruffy hospitality’, which was very pleasing to me, as someone who lives in a rather scruffy home! The definition I read was that ‘scruffy hospitality… prioritizes people, warmth, and authentic connection over a spotless home or an elaborate meal’. The most welcoming sort of hospitality is not necessarily the poshest, or most lavish, offering; instead it makes the guest feel at ease (I can assure you: anyone who comes to my house doesn’t have to worry about what special fork they’re supposed to be using!). In fact, just this week I said to a friend, ‘do you want to come round and we’ll get a takeaway from Nando’s’, and I think that went down far better than if I’d spent all afternoon stressing about cooking something elaborate to suit our respective dietary needs. It meant we could focus on each other’s company and having a great conversation. And in a way, letting people in to see your life as it really is, no matter how scruffy, is giving them a kind of VIP access! It shows a certain level of trust and vulnerability – to reveal your true self – and that is the basis for building a genuine connection.
Another aspect of hospitality we could ponder is as a societal level. If we recognise hospitality as a spiritual obligation – if we consider it a duty to welcome strangers, and meet their basic needs for life, a duty which was so central to our forebears – then this speaks very plainly to how we should collectively be treating refugees, as we heard in the reading from Christine Pohl, that Patricia read for us earlier on.
But what I really want us to think about today – and not just today – I’m hoping this is something we’ll give some sustained attention in the months to come – is what hospitality looks like (maybe even what unreasonable hospitality looks like!) in this congregation. How do we collectively engage in hospitality as a spiritual practice?
When I was reading ‘Unreasonable Hospitality’ I kept wondering what we could learn from their example – transforming this middling restaurant – to the point where it won the title of ‘best restaurant in the world’. Now, I’m not saying I want us to win ‘best church in the world’ (nor that I think such an award ought to exist)! But I think we’re in a similar position – we’re already doing something worthwhile – we can be proud of what we have to offer here, I think, and of how we’ve already extended our hospitality to welcome people all over the world by going fully hybrid. Still, I think by collectively focusing on the details of the hospitality we offer, and crucially by getting everyone – I mean everyone – to take ownership of that task, we could take it to another level, really go from strength to strength as a community.
On any given Sunday morning, here at Essex Church, we have one designated greeter sitting just inside the front door, saying hello and giving out name labels as people arrive. And on Zoom we have a named co-host doing something similar. But hospitality can never be the work of just one person! It needs to be infused throughout the culture of this congregation. And to some degree, I think it already is, I think we’re a pretty welcoming bunch. I know a few of you are particularly skilled at looking out for newcomers, finding out about what brought them here, who they are, and what matters to them, making genuine connections. We also need to be careful not to leap on first-timers and overwhelm them! Some of us need more space than others (I might not have come back if anyone leapt on me)! But we do need to show curiosity towards visitors and convey the message: ‘we’re really glad you’re here; please stick around so we can get to know each other’. In the main, I think, it’s the connections we form that draw people to come back. It’s not just the cake! Though perhaps that’s what drives me to make all these fancy cakes to bring every week – it’s how I try to offer ‘unreasonable hospitality’ – my contribution to making people feel cared-for and even giving out a little bit of joy! In a church context, I reckon hospitality needs to go beyond everyday friendliness, to include an extra helping of generosity, sensitivity, and compassion. The goal, for all of us, should be to help make everyone feel more seen, included and valued.
In the end, to be hospitable, we have to be present. That’s both in the very basic sense of showing up on a regular basis, whether that’s in-person or online, and also in the sense of actively engaging with whoever we may meet here at church. Our doors are open every Sunday morning – both the physical doors to this building and the virtual doors of our Zoom room – and anyone is welcome to join us – to be part of co-creating this community, and holding the door open to welcome the next person. So in the weeks and months to come let’s all pay some attention to cultivating this culture of hospitality – whether you’ve been here a week, or a year, or ten years – there is something each and every one of us can contribute to this task. If you see this as your spiritual home then you are in a position to host and welcome others in. We’re going to have a workshop on hospitality on Sunday 1st November to think about the what this will look like in practical terms – so save the date and sign up with me for that – that is in-person but I’m trying to find a date for an online one too.
I’m going to close with an echo of those words from Christine Pohl which I shared at the top of the service. Perhaps we can take them to heart as a vision of what we are trying to co-create here in our hybrid church: ‘Communities in which hospitality is a vibrant practice tap into deep human longings to belong, find a place to share one’s gifts, and be valued. The practice of hospitality reflects a willingness on the part of a community of people to be open to others and to their insights, needs, and contributions. Hospitable communities recognize that they are incomplete without other folks but also that they have a “treasure” to share with them.’ (pause)
May we all play our part in making this an ever more hospitable community. Amen.
Reflection by Jane Blackall