{"id":981,"date":"2026-06-15T21:38:49","date_gmt":"2026-06-15T20:38:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/revjane.co.uk\/?p=981"},"modified":"2026-06-15T21:38:50","modified_gmt":"2026-06-15T20:38:50","slug":"circles-of-trust","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/revjane.co.uk\/?p=981","title":{"rendered":"Circles of Trust"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Reflection #118 (25th January 2026 at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Being fully alive requires both finding trusted others as well as being a trusted other. For trusting and being trusted allow us to blossom.\u2019 Those words from Mark Nepo are at the heart of what today\u2019s service is all about \u2013 and I believe his message, it rings true to me \u2013 we humans need to trust, and feel trusted, in order to be fully alive. Yet I guess most of us will have had experiences \u2013 some small incidents, some devastating \u2013 of having trusted a person, or an institution, and having that work out badly for us, when our trust was broken, or abused, or taken advantage of. We know, don\u2019t we, that this troubled and often terrifying world is full of peril and risk. So it\u2019s understandable that we might retreat into a state of being wary and defended to protect ourselves from harm. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s just pause for a moment to consider (and hopefully clarify) what it is that we mean by trust. One of the dictionary definitions that I like best for \u2018trust\u2019 is this: \u2018to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable\u2019; that is, we need to have trust in situations in which we are in some way vulnerable. One way to think about trust, and trusting, is as putting yourself \u2013 or something especially precious to you \u2013 into the hands of another. We might put our body into the hands of a surgeon \u2013 or a lover \u2013 both of these require great trust. We might put our heart (in a less literal sense) into the hands of a beloved or a friend as we share intimacies and confide in them \u2013 trusting that they will be kind and loving in response. On a rather more mundane level we might put our spare house keys in the hands of a neighbour, trusting them with access to our home and possessions, or trusting them to cat-sit or dog-sit, or water our tomatoes, while we\u2019re away. I\u2019m sure you can think of lots of other instances where trust is woven into daily life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is risky to trust \u2013 to put ourselves into the hands of others \u2013 but if we never take such risks then we can become closed-off, and isolated, and miss out on so much in life. We might end our days realising we have not lived and loved as fully as we could have. But there is always a leap of faith involved in deciding to trust. We don\u2019t know how it will turn out. There\u2019s a short and slightly ominous quote from Ernest Hemingway on this, which acknowledges our trust will sometimes be misplaced and we can\u2019t know for sure. He said: \u2018The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A more light-hearted take on the dilemma of trust is encapsulated in these words by Lemony Snicket, who wrote: \u2018Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter.\u2019 And this in turn links back to the quote from Frank Crane that I shared at the top of the service: \u2018You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don\u2019t trust enough… We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone \u2013 but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.’<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some of us might have a more trusting temperament and others may be naturally wary. I came across some thoughts on this from UUs Christine Robinson and Alicia Hawkins, who write of the basic trust which, if we are well cared for, we learn as infants \u2013 the inner sense that \u2018I can trust the world. I know what to expect. I will be cared for. It\u2019s OK.\u2019 They continue: \u2018Over our lives, we build on our foundation of basic trust with specific experiences of trust, gullibility, cynicism, and reconciliation after breaches of trust. Our experiences give us a sort of default trust setting, an attitude with which we face the world. Our default setting not only shapes our own feelings and behaviour, it also shapes the way others behave toward us. It might seem that a cynical attitude is safest, but since people who sense they are not trusted often withdraw from relationship, and sometimes even act in untrustworthy ways, it is actually a terrible risk. And while the happy-go-lucky, \u201ctrust the universe\u201d stance might seem like an advanced spiritual practice, in actuality, it can invite exploitation.\u2019 Words from Robinson and Hawkins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I was pondering this subject during the week I found myself thinking about the temperamental variation of cats and dogs as a model for thinking about trust (in fact on Friday I was in a ministers\u2019 meeting with my colleagues Laura and Michael, where Laura\u2019s dog Bess and Michael\u2019s cat Willow were also in attendance, and as I don\u2019t have any pets I took the opportunity to consult them all on this matter). I observe that some pets are self-contained, wary, and slow to trust, preferring to keep their distance; while others are utterly unboundaried, intuitively open, and demanding of love, affection, and belly rubs! My Instagram feed has ended up with a lot of cat and dog videos on it \u2013 I\u2019m only human! \u2013 in the last week I\u2019ve seen a lot of \u2018clingy cats\u2019 demanding cuddles (bucking the cat stereotype) \u2013 but I usually get loads of videos of kind and patient carers in animal rescue shelters doing the slow work of regaining the trust of animals who have been neglected or abused. Sometimes you get to see the long story unfold, where a dog that starts out trembling with fear in the corner of a cage, averting its eyes and making itself small, will eventually very tentatively approach the carer, then maybe allow itself to be cuddled, and you\u2019ll see a little wag of its tail\u2026 and by the end of the video it\u2019s all belly rubs and exuberant joy! Clearly this is often a long, painful process \u2013 but it\u2019s an incredible model of trust-building \u2013 and it\u2019s not too much of a stretch to see parallels in many of our human relations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We each need to discern for ourselves who we can trust and who we can\u2019t. Or perhaps I should say when we can trust and when we can\u2019t \u2013 there may be people we can trust in some domains but not others \u2013 there\u2019s an element of context dependence here, I think. In each moment we need to consider what might be gained and what might be lost by taking the risk of being more trusting and open. We won\u2019t (and we shouldn\u2019t) trust everyone equally all the time. We need to set boundaries for our own protection. Each of us is probably aware, of the different levels of trust we have with others, radiating out in concentric circles. We\u2019ll most likely have an \u2018inner circle\u2019 of close confidantes, who we trust to share the intimate details of our lives, and trusted comrades who we can rely on to give us practical support and encouragement. Some of you have probably taken part in an exercise called the \u2018Trusted Ten\u2019 \u2013 it comes up a lot in diversity and equalities training (and I\u2019m not going to focus on that aspect of the exercise today but it\u2019s an interesting and important thing to reflect on the make-up of the ten) \u2013 but if you want to have a go it simply asks you to make a list of the ten people you trust the most. Then reflect on why you trust them, what it is that makes them trustworthy, to you. Perhaps there might be echoes of the qualities we heard from Bren\u00e9 Brown earlier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m interested in how we might create the conditions for deepening trust \u2013 whether that\u2019s in the context of our personal relationships, or our community, or in the world \u2013 and I think they\u2019re all linked up anyway. That\u2019s why I so loved the poem we heard from Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer, with the image of stopping what she was doing to be fully present, give her time and attention to her daughter, and those beautiful, inspiring, closing lines: \u2018To foster one moment of trust and love is to belong to a crucial revolution. It matters, how we hold each other. What happens everywhere starts right here.\u2019 And Mark Nepo said something similar about how the trust we build at a micro scale can have an impact that travels further than we can possibly know. He said: \u2018Let this be a reminder to seek those connections and to be that safe place for someone else. In doing so, we invite the blossoming of not just ourselves, but the world around us.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mentioned at the start of the service that the title \u2018Circles of Trust\u2019 was borrowed from the oft-quoted Parker J. Palmer. It\u2019s a phrase he uses for a certain way of holding space for small groups \u2013 very much like our own Unitarian Engagement Groups \u2013 these groups have a very particular structure which is intended to cultivate deeper trust and make space for the soul to emerge. So I want to share an extended extract from him on this \u2013 a few paragraphs from his book \u2018A Hidden Wholeness\u2019 \u2013 Parker J. Palmer says this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018The soul is like a wild animal\u2026tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, and self-sufficient:  it knows how to survive in hard places\u2026  Yet despite its toughness, the soul is also shy.  Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush, especially when other people are around.  If we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out.  But if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently at the base of a tree, breathe with the earth, and fade into our surroundings, the wild creature we seek might put in an appearance.  We may see it only briefly and only out of the corner of an eye\u2014but the sight is a gift we will always treasure as an end in itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, community in our culture too often means a group of people who go crashing through the woods together, scaring the soul away.  In spaces ranging from congregations to classrooms, we preach and teach, assert and argue, claim and proclaim, admonish and advise, and generally behave in ways that drive everything original and wild into hiding. Under these conditions, the intellect, emotions, will and ego may emerge, but not the soul: we scare off all the soulful things, like respectful relationships, goodwill, and hope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The people who help us grow toward true self offer unconditional love, neither judging us to be deficient nor trying to force us to change, but accepting us exactly as we are.  And yet this unconditional love does not lead us to rest on our laurels. Instead, it surrounds us with a charged force field that makes us want to grow from the inside out\u2014a force field that is safe enough to take the risks and endure the failures that growth requires. Circles of Trust combine unconditional love, or regard, with hopeful expectancy, creating a space that both safeguards and encourages the inner journey.  In such a space, we are freed to hear our own truth, touch what brings us joy, become self-critical about our faults, and take risky steps toward change, knowing that we will be accepted no matter what the outcome.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Words from Parker J. Palmer on \u2018Circles of Trust\u2019. I think his vision really resonates with what we\u2019re trying to create here, in this beloved community, and I hope you\u2019ll agree. Particularly in our Engagement Groups, gatherings like \u2018Heart and Soul\u2019, we\u2019re making a clearing into which the shy wild animal of our soul can emerge. A safer, softer, kinder space, where \u2013 over time, given constancy \u2013 a deeper level of trust becomes possible. And this way of being might just be something we can carry with us, out into the rest of our lives, changing those around us, and spreading transformative trust into the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In that spirit, I want to close with a few prayerful words, based on a prayer from Matthew Smith, in hope that they might prepare our hearts for the days to come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Spirit of Life, God of All Love,
\nIn this moment let us be conscious
\nof the importance of trust in our lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While being open to others carries its risk,
\nwe know our hearts will shrink and wizen
\nif we live mainly by wariness and suspicion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let us be willing to open ourselves up
\nto love and trust \u2013 for our own dear sakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is good in the world,
\nand there is good in people.
\nSometimes we need to look deeply \u2013 but it is there.
\nWe know there are tens of millions of hearts
\nyearning for the same things that we do \u2013
\nlove, justice, care, compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As we reach out, let us have resolute faith
\nthat we will connect with those
\ntrue hearts \u2013 the companions
\nwe really need for life\u2019s journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So it is that we recognise and celebrate
\nthis hard but invaluable work
\nof trusting and reaching out \u2013
\nin our own personal lives,
\nand in the practise of spiritual community,
\nas we commit to creating a better world, together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

May it be so, for the greater good of all. Amen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reflection by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n