{"id":963,"date":"2026-06-15T20:55:00","date_gmt":"2026-06-15T19:55:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/revjane.co.uk\/?p=963"},"modified":"2026-06-15T20:55:00","modified_gmt":"2026-06-15T19:55:00","slug":"we-need-each-other","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/revjane.co.uk\/?p=963","title":{"rendered":"We Need Each Other"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Reflection #113 (26th October 2025 at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need each other. It seems such an obvious thing to say, doesn\u2019t it? But when I look at the world around me it sometimes seems to be a truth we have collectively forgotten. Remarkably it\u2019s 30 years now since Robert Putnam\u2019s famous essay \u2018Bowling Alone\u2019 was published (the book that sprang from it came along a few years later). There was a time where this was being referenced left, right, and centre \u2013 the essay looked at the decline in \u2018associational life\u2019 in America in particular \u2013 but I think the same is true in the UK: we just don\u2019t hang out with each other so much these days. And, I would guess, that trend has only accelerated in recent years, firstly as a result of austerity policies and public cuts, secondly due to the pandemic. A one-two punch that it\u2019s hard to pick ourselves up from. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

So many people are struggling. The cost of living is high and our margins are squeezed. Work, for many, is precarious. Many people are putting in long hours, or working multiple jobs, with unpredictable shift patterns, to make ends meet \u2013 this makes it hard to have much of a social life or regular commitments outside of work \u2013 there\u2019s just not much time, energy, or money left for old-fashioned recreational activities at the end of the day. Many ordinary people have had to pick up more caring responsibilities too, or take on volunteering roles in the community, to try and make up for some of the lost support we might once have expected to get from our ailing public services. And almost everything is monetised these days; unbridled capitalism has robbed us of many of our public spaces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I look at the people around me, it is clear to me that too many are carrying too much. And they no longer have the capacity to nurture or maintain those crucial social connections that might actually help them to cope with everything they are carrying. I\u2019m witnessing this personally \u2013 there\u2019s a support group I\u2019m part of \u2013 increasingly people are struggling to turn up to it, to give and receive the support that they crave, because life is just too demanding. It can feel impossible to set aside just an hour a week to care for self-and-others. Increasingly we\u2019re too far gone to access the support we need. And as some crack under the strain, those who are still upright take on more responsibilities, which will likely push them further into overwhelm and isolation. It\u2019s a vicious cycle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Additionally, since Covid has been in circulation, it seems that people have (on average) become still more reclusive. The lockdowns left a lasting legacy. Far more of us are able to work from home these days, at least some of the time, and that\u2019s feels like a good thing. I\u2019m not knocking it! But it is another factor in increasing social isolation. This is not the only lasting effect of Covid though. Some of us are more conscious than we used to be about infection and managing risk \u2013 so we think twice about social gatherings. Some of us are still feeling the after-effects of infection and the chronic illness that results. Some of us have got out of the habit of socialising, or we\u2019re in the grip of inertia, or we\u2019ve fallen out of touch with old friends and feel awkward about reaching out to reconnect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For a time it seemed as if social media would at least partly compensate for the decline in face-to-face interaction \u2013 people were migrating from in-person hangouts in the pub or club or caf\u00e9 to Facebook and Twitter \u2013 but now these networks are regarded by many as toxic. They are no longer the virtual town squares that, for a time, they seemed to be. More and more people I know are walking away from social media for the sake of their sanity \u2013 it\u2019s completely understandable \u2013 but that\u2019s another channel of connection gone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Research conducted this year, here in the UK, by \u2018More in Common\u2019 confirmed some of this picture. They reported that \u2018the rise of social media and technology, the impact of the pandemic, the cost-of-living crisis and political fragmentation have all had lasting impacts on people\u2019s relationships with those around them. [A] sense of distrust is particularly strong among young Britons, and those who feel economically insecure.\u2019 People are feeling socially disconnected; they feel a loss of shared spaces and rituals. And all this yields a context ripe for populist voices to sweep in and sow further division.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As Sean Parker Dennison warned, in the reading we heard from David earlier, it\u2019s all too easy to get into a negative feedback loop. He wrote: \u2018The danger of hopelessness is that we can lose each other. In times of hopelessness, it\u2019s easy to get scared of everything and everyone. It\u2019s easy to start believing that your neighbour is the problem and that hoarding is a better strategy than generosity. The problem is that when community starts to break down, we lose the most important source of hope we have: each other.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So far I\u2019ve mainly been stating the problem \u2013 describing the situation we find ourselves in \u2013 but how might we go about resisting this dispiriting state of affairs \u2013 and pushing back on this trend towards isolation? I\u2019m just going to highlight two actions that we might focus on \u2013 one requires a bit of inner work \u2013 the other we can only do together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first is to embrace our own neediness (and our capacity to help meet other\u2019s needs). Both\/And. In the game of give-and take, perhaps some of us tend to lean more one way or the other (or we might veer between the two poles at different times in our lives). And that\u2019s OK; we\u2019ve all been dealt different hands in life and some of us will just have more needs \u2013 will require more support \u2013 and others will have more resources to give. As Benjamin Zephaniah says, \u2018people will always need people, to talk to, to cry and rely on\u2019. Yet some of us will shudder at the thought that anyone would think of us as \u2018needy\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These days we hear a lot of warnings about codependency \u2013 this word is mainly used in the context of enmeshed personal relationships where there is a distinct \u2018giver\u2019 and a distinct \u2018taker\u2019. The giver routinely sacrifices their own needs and well-being for the other \u2013 they can end up exhausted and resentful \u2013 and their care and attention can end up harming the one on the receiving end too. What I hadn\u2019t heard so much about until recently though was counterdependency \u2013 this is a dynamic where someone has a desire to be hyper-independent, self-reliant, apparently invulnerable \u2013 and such people won\u2019t acknowledge they have any need of others and they won\u2019t ask for help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There has got to be a way between these two extremes \u2013 enmeshment on the one hand and determined isolation on the other \u2013 and that middle way is interdependence. Something we come back so often \u2013 it\u2019s a key spiritual insight in many religious traditions. We can acknowledge our own needs, and acknowledge the needs of others too, and accept that there will be a life-long dance of give-and-take, where we will sometimes need to reach out and ask for help, and sometimes need to respond when others call on us, in turn. Remember, as Erik Erikson said, \u2018Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.\u2019 So let\u2019s not be frightened to reach out to each other \u2013 to ask for help \u2013 and offer help.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wonder what came up for you in the meditation. Who needs you? Who do you need? I wonder if one side of that question came more easily to you than the other.  Maybe you could share your reflections with a trusted friend to see if you\u2019re missing anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not always possible for us to meet another\u2019s needs \u2013 or for someone to meet ours \u2013 maybe our needs are incompatible \u2013 maybe life is so overwhelming that we need to attend to our own survival and we haven\u2019t got any capacity to help others right now (think of the well-worn analogy of putting your own life-jacket on first \u2013 that\u2019s valid). But we can tend to all our varied relationships \u2013 \u2018nurture supportive connections\u2019 as we often say \u2013 so that we are more securely embedded in a network of mutual caring when the going gets tough. We need to show up for each other in good times and bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that brings me to my final point (you may have seen this coming). We need you. I need you. The existence of this congregation is dependent on the presence and the efforts of each and every one of us. Though I\u2019m the one who gets paid to stand up here on a Sunday morning (and do all the other things that are on my job description) there is only so much I can do without the active engagement of other people who care. It\u2019s not just about the obvious volunteering roles \u2013 greeting, making coffee, co-hosting, putting the chairs away \u2013 but the decision making and the paying of bills \u2013 turning up to support events, welcome newcomers, look out for people who are struggling. For this church to be here when you need it \u2013 it needs you \u2013 we need you \u2013 to get stuck in. To make a commitment to the community and show up in whatever ways you can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Churches like ours are a wonderful place where we can practice give-and-take, hopefully get some of our own needs met, and help meet the needs of others. Given all that we\u2019ve said about the rise of social isolation it seems vital that we do all we can \u2013 together \u2013 to increase our capacity to be a space of welcome and connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am going to close this reflection with an echo of the words of George Odell. Perhaps we can use them as a guide for the sort of space we\u2019re co-creating here, and the needs we might hope to meet for each other, in this beloved community.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need one another when we mourn and would be comforted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need one another when we are in trouble and afraid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need one another when we are in despair, in temptation,
\nand need to be recalled to our best selves again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need one another when we would accomplish
\nsome great purpose, and cannot do it alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need one another in the hour of success,
\nwhen we look for someone to share our triumphs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need one another in the hour of defeat,
\nwhen with encouragement we might endure, and stand again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need one another when we come to die,
\nand would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us.  Amen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reflection by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n